Whelp...

I'm sick again, should be in bed but I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so here I am. I figured I could use this time though, to ask readers that are Joe collectors and maybe even readers that aren't to help me out. I've been getting out when I can and looking everywhere for that damn 5th DVD pack, the greatest of the 80's one with Alpine, seen HERE. Since I've been punishing the porcelain since Friday I haven't been able look the last few days. I've had to turn to spelunking message boards and ebay. Bastards on ebay are scalpers and Joe fans are looking for this damn thing too so I've had zero luck. So if anyone could help a brother out it would be greatly appreciated.
To make this post more entertaining and less useless here's a music video from a Japanese heavy metal band, Seikima II, R/LATS BANE

Check out the little kid drinking that hobolo's 40.
And finally for good measure, Ernie Hudson's Pokemon pro strats.

Game face part 45 volume 78

We're back with a vengeance and ready to kick unkown games in the wiener. This ain't no squeal, they said it's our come back but we never went anywhere.

This week I picked the Russian strategy rpg gem Paradise Cracked.











SPOILER ALERT!: I think it refers to the future being a bad Mad magazine rip off.


















This beautiful menu is just a port hole in to what is PARADISE CRACKED. A cyberpunk game that rivals Blade Runner in it's cyberpunkiness. The game opens up introducing the protagonist who for some reason has no name and it's up to you to find something in his shambled one room apartment with his name on it. When you finally find his name tag from his class reunion it's up to you to make up a name. Since the game is originally Russian I names him Boris Ivan in honor of it's home country.

Spoiler Alert!: The manual says his name is Officer Rick Neo Riddick DeLarge Murphy Robocop, kudos on originality.


















Upon leaving your apartment you discover that you live above a run down strip club which is pretty sweet. With it being a strip club and all you'd think there would be some little titties or something, but alas there are none, only male asses. And they call this game a mature game, if it's going to mature a tleast show some boobies or in combat let the player select the "dick" target when targeting enemies.

SPOILER ALERT!: Some nerd made a mode that infact allows you to see boobies and shoot dicks off. Pro Tip: the Nerd wasn't me .

















One thing I hate about this game is that the bottom of the screen is always cut off. Even when I adjust the monitor or the video preferences in in the options menu it's just not there. I've missed out on a lot of valuable information because of this. I think it's because the game was made for Russian monitors or something. The menus are pretty stereotypical strategy game menus, except these ones are all fuzzy and shit to look more cyber and more punk and more cyberpunk.

Spoiler Alert!: This hacker character is from a cast of futuristic cyber Native Americans who have been persecuted by space Brits. You find this out in chapter 32 "The Natives are no longer native"



















What cyberpunk dystopia isn't complete with some sort of Japanese building or writing in katakan/hiragana? This is where I murdered a homeless man that offered me a cyber cheese burger. No one around really cared they were tired of his cyber burgers too, they praised me and showered me with presents that were mostly just empty vials of some cyber drug they had taken.

Spoiler Alert!: Just like "Fallout 3 the game of life" you can get addicted to these cyber drugs. But unlike Fallout they don't hinder you they actually make you super human like.

















I also heard something about this game being a semi-education tool used in home schooling. It does have some really good life lessons and tips in it. Like the screen shot above, I learned something that could save my life in to near distant punkcyber future. Thanks Paradise Cracked, you wasted 67 hours of my life but taught me many lessons, just like high school but I only wasted 50 hours of my life there. Even if the menus are fucked and some of the game wasn't translated I give it the grade I would have gotten if I stayed in high school a solid B+

Spoiler Alert!: That's the grade I would have given myself for that awesome paper on the Mothman I wrote.

G-Game Face!

Hey... remember this? That one feature we used to do? Where you had to highlight the spoilers to see them? Well, here's another one of these articles! This week we explore a genre that has been near my heart for several months now: Farming Games.

Yes, it's Youda Farmer! You know, it's sad, it took me a while to actually understand what the fuck that title was about.

SPOILER ALERT: It's You-da Farmer, you are the farmer. I guess it's supposed to be urban.

I played this game for several hours, and I have to say, it really gets to the core of farming:

Buying shit! Yeah, apparently this world runs on "Credits" like so many future-space societies, and video games. The shop lady in the corner there is a total Minx, by the way. She offers several different buyables for your farm, including a butter churn and weathercock.

SPOILER ALERT: To get the golden butter churn you have to wait until the 5th full moon, then make a blood sacrifice to the spirits of the soil. The next day the new churn will be where the old one was, only it's covered in blood.

As for the plot, it's pretty clear from the map. You are a farmer working for a medieval type town. Every once in a while, the raiders come and you have to pack everything you can behind the little city wall there. It's a fairly interesting way of keeping the game fresh, as you have to often choose between things that seem equally valuable.

SPOILER ALERT: The pro's tell me that the best thing to leave to the raiders is children. The boys usually grow strong backs, perfect for raider labor, and daughters... well, you know. They were different times, man... different times...

Another interesting deviation from the normal farm game is the inclusion of several mini-games. From butter churning (alternate the up and down arrows for several hours) to barn raising, even the most mundane task is made lively and engaging!

SPOILER ALERT: This is one party you DON'T want to get invited to...

Overall, this is a game that's a worthy distraction for the price. You get to run around, spreading joy and water to various crops and livestock. You can shoot raiders with flaming arrows, and you're character pretty much isn't afraid of anything. I wouldn't be ashamed to give it a B+, especially considering your ability to pimp your ride:

SPOILER ALERT: Oh SNAP, son! That ride is CHERRY!

Like father like mutant

So let me set up the scenario, I'm only 22, so when GI Joe fans started ranting and raving about how nostalgic the 25th line was, I got it, I didn't feel it the same way though. As a kid I didn't start getting Joes until 1989-1990 or so and those characters are neither iconic or being remade so I just didn't feel the nostalgia. Also at that age I was gaga over teenage mutant ninja turtles, that was my thing. I loved GI Joe was and Ghostbusters but Turtles was really where it was at for me.

Just over a month ago I was kicking around ebay looking for the old Turtle figures I had, complete and in decent shape...no way I'm going to pay those prices. No more than two days later though I found the Ninja Turtle 25th line out. Not only are they nostalgic, they're straight reissues of the fuckers that I had when I was 4. Now I know my age doesn't add up if the Ninja Turtles are 25 years old and I'm 22. The comic started 25 years ago, the figures and cartoon showed up later, when my mind was being molded and was weak to commercialism, still is, It branded the name in to my little soft brain. I quickly picked up all four of the turtles and walked around Target with them. After about twenty minutes I placed them back on the pegs and walked away. I wanted them badly and I want them now, but what I really really wanted was Bebop and Rocksteady, one of my earliest exposures to punk rockers. They were awesome and were funny as hell. Growing up I was I found the other turtle medium, the original comics, you could image how my heart sank when I found neither Bebop or Rocksteady were in it.

Today, I went shopping, looking for the last of the Joes I nedd and I found on the pegs at Target the second wave of TMNT figures. I found Rocksteady, but no Bebop, my favorite of the two. Insteady of putting Rocksteady back, I dropped the damn $9 on him. The Turtles, while more iconic have always had much more exposure, they've always had products, Bebop and Rocksteay, not as much. While the GI Joe 25th line played on old fans nostalgia, Playmates are geniuses, they conned me in to paying three times as much for a figure my parents bought me as a kid. In defense of thise overpriced toy the plastic is much harder and less brittle than the original, his head is also not made of rubber.

Taste my Salty Upcoming Project!

Yeah I've been drinkin again

Once again the Burn and I are behind. He's been visiting home a lot, I've been being sick and partying a lot. So they're legit reasons to be behind.
I do though have a super exclusive card art to show you guys, I haven't seen this uncovered anywhere but I guess we're getting a new GI Joe figure, it's unknown if it's a Cobra or Joe figure, but either way pretty cool.























I even water marked that shit so hisstank can't steal it.

Heartburn and I have each started our own series

I dunno how often I'll be making these, Shane has already made three. Mine will have a slower release probably. I'll let him post his.
I present to you "What a laugh! #1"

Super bowl sunday...

a real ass American holiday. I didn't barely watched the fucking game, I watched maybe a total of five minutes. But you know what I did do...I started drinking at 3pm and stopped drinking about an hour ago so about nine hours. What's funny is even after all of that drinking, I can think pretty straight and see some what straight, but it's really fucking hard to coordinate my body. I mean it happens when you drink but I usually lose my mental skills too or at least first.
Fuck I have work tomorrow, I don't want to have to work with kindergartners with a hang over....

HAPPY SUPER SOUL SUNDAY!
That's what I fucking call it now because I told a three year old and four year old to go crazy on the candy and messed up the words bowl and soul when I said that's why it was cool for them to go crazy.