Game Face! volume 1 part 1

This week is the first installment of "Game Face!" our informative kick ass game reviews that will give shit heads on G4 a run for their money. Remember when you see a Spoiler Alert! highlight the text next to it to see the spoiler.

This week I'll be reviewing the hit game Golden Axe: beast rider! Now Golden Axe was a arcade staple for me growing up, I remember going to the Smoky's pizza joint by my moms work, buying a root beer and feeding the golden axe machine quarters until I ran out, five minutes later. That game was hard and there's no question that they followed suit with this one.











SPOILER ALERT! This game is fucking hard.

Now you're probably saying, it's only hard mister because you suck. To that I would say Fucketh thee. I love beat'em ups, I do not suck at them. What makes this hard is that you can only play as a female character. Gone are the Conan and Gimili knock offs. No more spinning around and cracking guys on the head or rolling and butting guys in the groin with the top of your axe.














Spoiler Alert! Not really a spoiler because everyone knows women can't fight.


Now about the game play; it's a big improvement.











Spoiler Alert! The game play is better!

I know you're asking yourself and probably yelling at the monitor, "Why is it called beast rider?!" I'll tell you why, because you ride beasts. Just like the one in the image above. On your father's death bed he informs you that you're the last of the great beast rider lineage and you must find and hatch you own beast to ride. He begins to educate you on the many beasts in the world that you can find and hatch. But no matter what you get stuck with the shitty armless dragon. You go on this long quest up a mountain where you have to fight goblins and dozens of men in thongs and when you reach the top you get your egg. The game takes a 180 degree turn and turns in to more of a "sim" game. You have to take care of the egg, by sitting on it to keep it warm and making sure it doesn't roll down a hill and break, or you get a F. Three hours in the game it finally hatches and you get this freakish baby dragon thing that you have to feed small rodents. You eventually take it in to the world and have it fight along with you, but watch out if a man in a thong cracks it on the skull it's, GAME OVER YOU ARE DEAD.











Spoiler Alert! If your idiot dragon gets it's his skull cracked open it's "GAME OVER MAN, WE'RE FUCKED!"

As far as any story that's it, you travel the land with your mighty leathered steed proving your worth as a woman in the land of thong wearing men and dwarves and gnomes that look like Gollum.
















Spoiler Alert! The gnomes look like fucking Gollum.

Over all, I give the game a B+ for being great beat'em up and baby raising fun! It get's knocked down for not letting me play as Conans (the bootleg version of Conan).

A small sample of some cock and rock opera

My good friends Alex and Adam have been working on new material for their band the cock and rock opera. They did some short skits about Marc Chambers, a robot inventor. My good friend here, Shane, created a short animation for the first one.



Also here is their link to their band page

Alex of the Cock and rock opera

Today I wondered in to Target with a wicked hangover...

and something compelled me to get the new Sharc with Deep Six figure, I don't know what, but it did. I'm glad i did, he's my new favorite figure. The video below is just a taste of things to come, Shane and I have decided that he will be the focus of a new story line. The rest of the works wont be videos probably, but I just had to show off how bad ass he is.

Top 5 of 08...sort of

So it's that time of year again...

Time to decapitate 2008, and create 2009 in some sort of Frankenstein Lab.

Close, a celebration that winter seasonal depression is half way over. But I suppose more normal people are doing what you suggested.

Hell yeah, burn the established year to the ground!!! Down with the system! Up with the new order! Or... wait, did you mean the new year thing?

Yeah...uh...we decided we would start a new tradition and write a small list of things we think were great in the year of 08

That's right, I remember now. We take this time to look back on the joys of last year, and try to hide the bad parts deep in the darkest parts of our souls.

I have many many secrets hidden in the darkest bowels of my soul...but that aside lets get this shit kicked out.

Starting with Five (because we can do that, it's our Blog) is "Holy Shit, Black President"



















Yeah that was good I suppose, I mean I voted for the guy, but after the soul crushing events of the first election I ever voted in I pretty much gave up all hope.

The man was so popular he only lost my backwater hick county by, like, Thirty-some votes!

I'm actually surprised it was so few...with the area that lie in your county I figured it would have been a landslide loss.

I know, right?

Speaking of black heroes, I know one that's grabbin peels.


















I know of the same man you speak of. Number four on our count is a game we play called "Left 4 Dead"

It may have lost it's flair over the past couple of weeks, but knowing Valve they'll surprise us with something nice and fire our interests back up.

I like the game just fine for the moment, I just hate some of the people. Seriously, how did these people get out of the CS servers? We built those to hold them in, damnit! That and Xbox live.

Well, the xbox live society has their own version of the game that will never get any extra content. But the server capacities are so small we can be assholes and elitists and only let in our closest friends, a very nice feature of the game.

So true, also one of it's downfalls. I don't know about some of you antisocial misanthropes out there, but I have more than 7 friends.
I have 8

Exactly, and then where does that leave that poor odd-man out?
It's usually me, but that's ok I hear awesome stories about the game.

*cue violin music*

No really I don't mind because I'm number 3 on the awesome list of 08










Really? What have you done this year that's so great?

I discovered Sasquatch, save a village of werewolves, drew a t-rex skate boarding with a blunt in his mouth and built a rocket ship

...Yeah... but...where'd your rocket ship GO, smart guy?

I flew it in to the Vatican space ship that was attacking the werewolf village, duh, idiot

God! That's so fucking sweet!! You need to get those photos developed.

I did, fucking Target ruined them, I'm suing them for the entire business.

Aw damn. Well, I know a good lawyer. The number two thing on our list: Me, motherfucker.














Yeah? What did you do that topped what I did?

I quested for the unknown, delved into infinity and punched out the greatest questions plaguing man.

What questions were those? The stereotypical where's the G spot?

Child's play! Everyone knows the G-spot is lost forever on the dark side of the moon.

Oh...yeah I knew that...

Perhaps my greatest accomplishment was learning how to stop time. Sadly, I only know how to stop everything, so I stop too. There, I just did it. I did it again.

Huh, I didn't even feel it...

Yeah, neither did I.

But what I did feel was the number 1 of awesome things. I felt myself...but not you, but we're both the number 1 awesome thing of 08.

That's right! What could be better than taking the #3 and #2 things and cramming them together? Not... uh... literally though.

Nothing, aside from doing all of the things we mentioned we also looked death square in the eyes and kicked him right in the nuts and said "Fuck you, I'm staying alive asshole"

And Death, if want a re-match... you know where to find us.

In your backyard, in that tent because we sure as hell aren't paying rent.

You know what? Fuck Death, and fuck 2008, I'm done with it.

And fuck 09, I'm stoked for 2012.

Happy New Years from the knuckle fucks of The Heart and Spooky Laff and a bullshit.

should be in bed have to get up in less than three hours

but another music video, why the fuck not?

It may already be too late

So once a year, starting in August, store begin to roll out their holiday decoration and products. I could careless in general, I don't think I even walked down one Christmas aisle this year. But there is one thing this time brings, the most amazing thing ever.



















Candy cane joe joe's....the most amazing lard injected food product ever. Now you may think the idea is odd or gross. But in truth they're amazing. The pieces of candy that are jammed in to each cookie are more akin to those hard peppermint candies than cany canes. Trader Joes might still have some...my one box is almost gone. I need to make a run soon and see if I can score some more before the cold wind of winter blows all them away to be packed away until next Christmas.

Google Gearch... Guesday?

So, here we are again, Christmas hangover just ending... New Year's revelry about to begin. What better time than to ruin something we love by typing it into Google? I'll tell you... none. None better a time than now, dear reader.

Kicking things off this "Satarday" is my entry DnD:

Ah yes... I remember this move. Martin Lawrence gets transported back in time and has to nail broads to save history. A true classic.

I think you've got that mixed up with Black Knight...which you still need to return my VHS copy of. I remember THIS movie though, I was a freshman in high school, a doe eye'd roleplayer, I had just started playing after the release of 3rd edition. My family was also stealing pay per view at the time so I was able to view this classic for free.

Wait... I think I did see this move...

...oh God...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yeah that was the reaction I was expecting...because Black Knight would never demand that heart wrenching of a reply. I don't remember this movie that well, there are three things aside from the Marlon's brother. The semi-hot elf, the retarded looking dwarf and the main bad guy who I swore was Doc Brown from back to the future.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No, really I thought It was Doc Brown...

NOOOOOOOOOOO- wait. Is that the Mummy up there? On the right?

No, thank god, because the mummy is also going to be Zartan in the new Gi Joe movie....that movie already has more kicks to the nuts than the practice guy in womens self defence classes. Little known fact that guy you mention was in the sci fi original sequel

Ok, now I DEFINITELY remember seeing that one. As I recall, it was a whole hell of a lot better. That Barbarian Chick? Hell yeah. She can rage my berserker any day of the week.

That made no sense, but yeah she could power attack my rod whenever she wanted.

I think what we're all saying here is that she can Handle any Animal she pleases.

As long as it's my cock

But, since it's a movie about DnD, she was probably being played by an overweight 40 year old man.

What DnD group have you been playing with? We don't know any overweight 40 year olds that exclusively play female characters. Have you been "roleplaying" in chat rooms again?

That's between me and my 12th level halfling Tantric Raider.

Let me know next time you play I'll roll up a character.

Next up, Kurt's long-time love: GI Joe!

Honestly, I don't know what to say...this image is just weird and disturbing. I thought fans of the 3 3/4 th Joes were bad enough...but look at this shit...I'm glad I don't play with dolls. I'd probably mutilate small animals too.

"Caught this one in the Green Zone, looked like he was burying land mines."

I wish it hadn't been caught so maybe these DOLLS and their man owner would step on them. You know I'd like to think that when this guy showed his friends this image they stopped talking to him, when in reality I know they high fived him and asked him where he got the guy on the left.

Take heart, man, he probably doesn't have any friends.

His dolls are probably his only friends. See I play with action figures, not dolls, notice the word action, because they kick ass.

See, now that's where I disagree with you. I don't think his Dolls even like him. He did pose them over a DEAD SQUIRREL after all...

But at least they got to be outside...most of his pictures are taken in a dark damp basement...and most of the time him and his dolls are naked.

True, as bad as that squirrel might be, it's nothing compared with the *ahem* Cobra they have to face nearly every day.

Alright, I'm not going any farther than that...I don't even want to imagine where it'll go next. Any last words before I punt you from the living for that comment?

Only that I hope that, like me, this guy gets what he deserves one day.

Oh he will, those squirels will have their vengence and I hope on that day someone happens to be there with a video camera.

Finally, just to clense our collective pallates, the hot elf chick from the Dungeons and Dragons movie:

Delightful.

The Shit List

Guess what Hasbro...

YOU'RE ON IT!

As far as modern punk goes this is one of the few gems I think

Gaslight anthem and apparently they're getting a following....weird. I mean they're good musicians but they're one of those more popular than you think cases.

Ugh, sleep where art thou?

It's common knowledge among friends and family that I have problems sleeping. Ever since I graduated from high school almost five years ago it's hard for me to get to sleep before the sun comes up. On top of that I work as a teacher's assistant at a kindergarten....those kids drain the shit out of me. Last night I got three hours of sleep...three whole hours and today was my first day back to work in two weeks. I couldn't clear my mind. Thoughts just danced and pranced around...and those thoughts were about fucking gi joe figures. My thoughts weren't stressful, hectic or anger ridden like they often are. I set up all of my 25th anniversary joes last night and counted them. I realized that as of now I'm only missing four to have one of every joe that's out, Doc, Alpine, Leatherneck, and Cutter. First I layed in bed and wondered when the hell my Doc would be coming in the damn mail. Seriously fuck you hasbro making me lose sleeping wondering when I'll get my precious medic in the mail. Then I started thinking about Alpine and how the dvd set he comes with is super sick and I want that cobra paratrooper and that sweet cobra commander but alas I don't get paid until the 15th! Since I work a college campus job I get paid once a month. Then Leatherneck, how at first I didn't care about him and now the more I see him and think about the figure I want him....I have to drop $15 and get another AWE to get him...but he'll be worth it when I get him...I know it...in the deepest darkest part of my heart. Then finally that balls Cutter figure...fuck hasbro for that poor attempt. Back during the JvC days they released Cutter as Shipwreck, you look at the figure, he had red hair and a goatee and he came with a boat! There were even filecard samples for the figure form Asia that said Cutter! Balls to you hasbro and screwing Cutter over, I'll make my own fucking figure thank you very much.
After I contemplated those last figures I started thinking about the upcoming Nightforce Lt. Falcon figure. Man Hasbro could do some cool stuff with this figure. Use Dusty's torso, waist coast belt thingie and upper legs, lower legs from Falcon, give him flint arms and just paint the head a bit better and finish him up with the comic pack gear. They'd have a winner on their hands! If they don't those fuckers will force me to do a custom and I don't have the motivation for those anymore.
God my life has become a wreck...I stay up late thinking about plastic army men and then rant about it in a blog. I hope something new and exciting happens in my life...like finding the tunnelrat comic pack this week...i'd pee my pants even if the figures are poopoo doodoo shits.