GAME FACE!?!?

Game Face.

Today, we take a look at a little ADVENTURE game:



Fairy Tales: Three Heroes

The story, as you could probably guess, revolves around 3 heroes. I'd like to review each one individually (if I may).



Randolf the Stickman

Randolf was probably my least favorite character. His character is supposed to be some sort of Monk, but Im pretty sure most branches of every church I know consider a moustache of that caliber a mortal sin. Not to mention his cumpulsive gambling, and CONSTANT titty jokes.

SPOILER ALERT: Don't get me wrong, the jokes are HILARIOUS

His function in the overall story is to provide much needed information on many of the monsters. For example- He's the only one who knows that the Hydra can only be killed by a tincture of sulfer blessed by a virgin maiden.

SPOILER ALERT: I guess I should have spoilered the hydra's weakness. The werewolf clowns are especially weak to- you know those fake guns? The ones that shoot out a little flag that says "BANG"? Its those, except the flag says "SILVER"



This dude, as I said, was my least favorite character as a character. Don't get me wrong, the game would be ALOT harder without his tips, so I'll give him a B+



The Blonde Bowman

This douchebag is probably even worse than the last one. I know, I know I said that Randolf was my least favorite, but man... MAN. The Blonde Bowman will NOT stop screaming in his little whiny voice of his! He sounds like Hayden Christianson being punched in the balls while punching ME in the balls.

SPOILER ALERT: The worst part is his laughter. Its not even what you think... he talks like a screeching banshie on PCP, but he laughs like a fucking ghoul. Its the most demonic thing I've ever heard in my short life *shudder*

I admit, I dont have many pictures of this guy. Every time I was forced to play as him, I forgot to press the screen cap button. His function ingame is to provide cover fire for the other guys. This mechanic is a bit... wonky. He always hits SOMETHING, is the thing. Even when he misses, something usually teleports into his arrows, but not normal stuff like enemies. Its all grandfather clocks, bowls of pork or crates full of hand grenades.

SPOILER ALERT: Hand grenades arent even IN this game. Well, at least, not until the final boss fight against the Narrator/Evil Wizard/Robot

Seriously, this guy can go fuck himself. B+



Olaf Beefsteak

Oh

Man

This dude is BOSS! Seriously, makes the WHOLE GAME worth playing. He's a two ton mass of ass-kicking muscles (IE, every one of his two tons of muscles kicks some form of ass, figuratively and literaly). He has the most powerful attacks, the best defense and the heartiest laugh/beard.

SPOILER ALERT: Near the end of the game his beard actually REPLACES the other two characters, thank GOD



His function ingame is to be the character you wish the game was about exclusively. He has the double duty of beating all the bad guys and making the other two characters look stupid. My favorite moment is when he turns to the Bowman and tells him that arrows are for sissies, and proves it by sticking one through his eye, all the way through his head and out the other side only to laugh it off and take no damage.

SPOILER ALERT: Ironically, Olaf is ultimate killed by an arrow through the head after the end credits.

What can I say? He's the greatest character in this, or any other game (at least that I've played). His dialogue is short and sweet, his controls are fluid and intuitive and his beard is mighty.

What more could you want? B+!



Overall, this game was pretty ok. The good was offset by alot of bad. But the good was so good that it balanced out in the end. If you like swords, sourcery, sandwiches and scotch, this is a game you should definately try. B+

SPOILER ALERT: Look for a random cameo by Fire Man from the Mega Man series. He might be hard to spot- HINT: Look under the princess' skirt. Happy Hunting!

Google Gearch Gaturday Golume 4, Vigilante week

It's that time again, yes Saturday, where we all sleep in until past noon and then curse our selves for not being up before noon to make out binge drinking sound that much more extreme. This week we even have a theme, the guys who would kick our asses or kill us for all of the crime commit during the binge drinking: Vigilantes.

First up is my choice, Frank "The Castle" Punisher




















I'm pretty sure after this photo was taken this guy hung himself knowing that this was the pinnacle of his modeling career.

Ben Stiller IS the Punisher, this summer.

Actually this guy looks kind of looks like that Ryan Reynolds guy, you know, Van Wilder and the Deadpool.

I'm pretty sure this is the main character from Turkish Punisher. Or... maybe even Turkish Deadpool

That's a pretty good costume for a Turkish bootleg movie. But it's still not good enough to try and wear seriously. My question is who's idea is it to decide what is an awesome pose for a costume? I mean, if I was there in the studio while the photo was being taken I'd laugh so hard listening to that guy "Good, good, now look more angry, your family was just killed, gooood, awesome, now more gay"

My major question is, are those supposed to be muscles there? I mean, clearly they were going for something approximating human musculature on the chestal region... but those arms? It looks like he's a tough guy, carrying a carton of cigarettes rolled in each sleeve.

It kind of looks like cauliflower or tumors to me.

Oh no... what if they aren't part of the costume? Maybe we're sitting here, ragging on some dude with cancer...Cancer and a shitty beard. Seriously, is that make up or something? It looks like somebody threw glue and sand in his face.

From cancer to sandface, I love it. I feel no remorse if this guy has cancer he knew what he was doing when he donned this costume. I think it's just a model beard. Funny thing is, Frank Castle should not look like a fucking model. If the Punisher looked like this guy he would have been laughed off the block by even the gayest Marvel hero.

You know it's a bad day when Cyclops laughs at you.

Shane picked, "Oh my family is dead and I dress up like a bat now"
















You know, I have to admit it. The first thing I thought of when I saw this image was "Look at this guy, he's totally undressing me with is eyes!"

I first thought that it was a kick ass name, but then I came back to reality and realized I'd kick my own ass if that was my name. I have no idea how real this is but if it's real it's almost as ridiculous as some real ass soldier changing his name to Optimus "Don't make fun of me I'm a soldier now" Prime.

Wait, is that a true story?

Yeah

I'm... I'm pretty sure that because of that one guy...the terrorists have won.

The terrorist won before this war even started. But we can save our asses by hiring Batman Bin Suparman, the smarts of batman and brawl of superman and the charisma of a singapore man, how could we lose the war with that on our side?

The only obstacle is citizenship... how could we ever win over such a man to fight for America? I say we head over there with a burlap sack, and some fan mail as bait.

I don't think a burlap sack could contain this man. He would out smart us with his wily forked tongue and then laser sight us in the balls.

Shit...

The thought of a man being able to trick anyone in to wanting a one way trip to the sun freaks me out. I mean someone with that much smarts and charisma could make you want to eat shit out of your ass. Then imagine him having the power to strong arming you in to anything he couldn't trick you in to doing. That scares the hell out of me, I just hope he never leaves his homeland of Javaton.

Yeah, I hate to say it but I'm drawing a total blank here.

Write about eating shit, that's funny.

What scares me even more is the thought that maybe it's not just him that can do it. What if everyone from Javaland was able to do that stuff? The entire world would be constantly eating nothing but shit. Forever!