GAME FACE!?!?

Game Face.

Today, we take a look at a little ADVENTURE game:



Fairy Tales: Three Heroes

The story, as you could probably guess, revolves around 3 heroes. I'd like to review each one individually (if I may).



Randolf the Stickman

Randolf was probably my least favorite character. His character is supposed to be some sort of Monk, but Im pretty sure most branches of every church I know consider a moustache of that caliber a mortal sin. Not to mention his cumpulsive gambling, and CONSTANT titty jokes.

SPOILER ALERT: Don't get me wrong, the jokes are HILARIOUS

His function in the overall story is to provide much needed information on many of the monsters. For example- He's the only one who knows that the Hydra can only be killed by a tincture of sulfer blessed by a virgin maiden.

SPOILER ALERT: I guess I should have spoilered the hydra's weakness. The werewolf clowns are especially weak to- you know those fake guns? The ones that shoot out a little flag that says "BANG"? Its those, except the flag says "SILVER"



This dude, as I said, was my least favorite character as a character. Don't get me wrong, the game would be ALOT harder without his tips, so I'll give him a B+



The Blonde Bowman

This douchebag is probably even worse than the last one. I know, I know I said that Randolf was my least favorite, but man... MAN. The Blonde Bowman will NOT stop screaming in his little whiny voice of his! He sounds like Hayden Christianson being punched in the balls while punching ME in the balls.

SPOILER ALERT: The worst part is his laughter. Its not even what you think... he talks like a screeching banshie on PCP, but he laughs like a fucking ghoul. Its the most demonic thing I've ever heard in my short life *shudder*

I admit, I dont have many pictures of this guy. Every time I was forced to play as him, I forgot to press the screen cap button. His function ingame is to provide cover fire for the other guys. This mechanic is a bit... wonky. He always hits SOMETHING, is the thing. Even when he misses, something usually teleports into his arrows, but not normal stuff like enemies. Its all grandfather clocks, bowls of pork or crates full of hand grenades.

SPOILER ALERT: Hand grenades arent even IN this game. Well, at least, not until the final boss fight against the Narrator/Evil Wizard/Robot

Seriously, this guy can go fuck himself. B+



Olaf Beefsteak

Oh

Man

This dude is BOSS! Seriously, makes the WHOLE GAME worth playing. He's a two ton mass of ass-kicking muscles (IE, every one of his two tons of muscles kicks some form of ass, figuratively and literaly). He has the most powerful attacks, the best defense and the heartiest laugh/beard.

SPOILER ALERT: Near the end of the game his beard actually REPLACES the other two characters, thank GOD



His function ingame is to be the character you wish the game was about exclusively. He has the double duty of beating all the bad guys and making the other two characters look stupid. My favorite moment is when he turns to the Bowman and tells him that arrows are for sissies, and proves it by sticking one through his eye, all the way through his head and out the other side only to laugh it off and take no damage.

SPOILER ALERT: Ironically, Olaf is ultimate killed by an arrow through the head after the end credits.

What can I say? He's the greatest character in this, or any other game (at least that I've played). His dialogue is short and sweet, his controls are fluid and intuitive and his beard is mighty.

What more could you want? B+!



Overall, this game was pretty ok. The good was offset by alot of bad. But the good was so good that it balanced out in the end. If you like swords, sourcery, sandwiches and scotch, this is a game you should definately try. B+

SPOILER ALERT: Look for a random cameo by Fire Man from the Mega Man series. He might be hard to spot- HINT: Look under the princess' skirt. Happy Hunting!

Game face part 45 volume 78

We're back with a vengeance and ready to kick unkown games in the wiener. This ain't no squeal, they said it's our come back but we never went anywhere.

This week I picked the Russian strategy rpg gem Paradise Cracked.











SPOILER ALERT!: I think it refers to the future being a bad Mad magazine rip off.


















This beautiful menu is just a port hole in to what is PARADISE CRACKED. A cyberpunk game that rivals Blade Runner in it's cyberpunkiness. The game opens up introducing the protagonist who for some reason has no name and it's up to you to find something in his shambled one room apartment with his name on it. When you finally find his name tag from his class reunion it's up to you to make up a name. Since the game is originally Russian I names him Boris Ivan in honor of it's home country.

Spoiler Alert!: The manual says his name is Officer Rick Neo Riddick DeLarge Murphy Robocop, kudos on originality.


















Upon leaving your apartment you discover that you live above a run down strip club which is pretty sweet. With it being a strip club and all you'd think there would be some little titties or something, but alas there are none, only male asses. And they call this game a mature game, if it's going to mature a tleast show some boobies or in combat let the player select the "dick" target when targeting enemies.

SPOILER ALERT!: Some nerd made a mode that infact allows you to see boobies and shoot dicks off. Pro Tip: the Nerd wasn't me .

















One thing I hate about this game is that the bottom of the screen is always cut off. Even when I adjust the monitor or the video preferences in in the options menu it's just not there. I've missed out on a lot of valuable information because of this. I think it's because the game was made for Russian monitors or something. The menus are pretty stereotypical strategy game menus, except these ones are all fuzzy and shit to look more cyber and more punk and more cyberpunk.

Spoiler Alert!: This hacker character is from a cast of futuristic cyber Native Americans who have been persecuted by space Brits. You find this out in chapter 32 "The Natives are no longer native"



















What cyberpunk dystopia isn't complete with some sort of Japanese building or writing in katakan/hiragana? This is where I murdered a homeless man that offered me a cyber cheese burger. No one around really cared they were tired of his cyber burgers too, they praised me and showered me with presents that were mostly just empty vials of some cyber drug they had taken.

Spoiler Alert!: Just like "Fallout 3 the game of life" you can get addicted to these cyber drugs. But unlike Fallout they don't hinder you they actually make you super human like.

















I also heard something about this game being a semi-education tool used in home schooling. It does have some really good life lessons and tips in it. Like the screen shot above, I learned something that could save my life in to near distant punkcyber future. Thanks Paradise Cracked, you wasted 67 hours of my life but taught me many lessons, just like high school but I only wasted 50 hours of my life there. Even if the menus are fucked and some of the game wasn't translated I give it the grade I would have gotten if I stayed in high school a solid B+

Spoiler Alert!: That's the grade I would have given myself for that awesome paper on the Mothman I wrote.

G-Game Face!

Hey... remember this? That one feature we used to do? Where you had to highlight the spoilers to see them? Well, here's another one of these articles! This week we explore a genre that has been near my heart for several months now: Farming Games.

Yes, it's Youda Farmer! You know, it's sad, it took me a while to actually understand what the fuck that title was about.

SPOILER ALERT: It's You-da Farmer, you are the farmer. I guess it's supposed to be urban.

I played this game for several hours, and I have to say, it really gets to the core of farming:

Buying shit! Yeah, apparently this world runs on "Credits" like so many future-space societies, and video games. The shop lady in the corner there is a total Minx, by the way. She offers several different buyables for your farm, including a butter churn and weathercock.

SPOILER ALERT: To get the golden butter churn you have to wait until the 5th full moon, then make a blood sacrifice to the spirits of the soil. The next day the new churn will be where the old one was, only it's covered in blood.

As for the plot, it's pretty clear from the map. You are a farmer working for a medieval type town. Every once in a while, the raiders come and you have to pack everything you can behind the little city wall there. It's a fairly interesting way of keeping the game fresh, as you have to often choose between things that seem equally valuable.

SPOILER ALERT: The pro's tell me that the best thing to leave to the raiders is children. The boys usually grow strong backs, perfect for raider labor, and daughters... well, you know. They were different times, man... different times...

Another interesting deviation from the normal farm game is the inclusion of several mini-games. From butter churning (alternate the up and down arrows for several hours) to barn raising, even the most mundane task is made lively and engaging!

SPOILER ALERT: This is one party you DON'T want to get invited to...

Overall, this is a game that's a worthy distraction for the price. You get to run around, spreading joy and water to various crops and livestock. You can shoot raiders with flaming arrows, and you're character pretty much isn't afraid of anything. I wouldn't be ashamed to give it a B+, especially considering your ability to pimp your ride:

SPOILER ALERT: Oh SNAP, son! That ride is CHERRY!

Game Face!

I tell ya, this week is a real keeper:

And before you snicker, NO it's not about a hooker with a heart of gold who is forced to go to medical school after a crippling vaginal injury. This is simply an innocent game of health care management which HAPPENS to star a hooker.

SPOILER ALERT: She also happens to suffer from a crippling vaginal injury.

You guide your sweet little nurse character from hospital to hospital, plying your trade of medicine. You have a range of magic spells from Cure Light Wounds to Delouse which you need to use in the right combination, or your patient will turn into an exploding skeleton.

SPOILER ALERT: Each copy of the game has a specific character that, when killed, will become the Exploding Lich. This unlocks super nightmare mode where all the patients are razorblades, and all your spells are replaced with ear-piercing screams.

Not only do you act as the hospital's primary caster, but the nurse/hooker is also expected to buy pretty much every goddamn thing a hospital could ever need. Here I am buying water coolers which, as any doctors out there well know, are used to cure Scurvy.

SPOILER ALERT: When you place a Water Cooler directly next to a Dialysis Machine, you get a special ending where the hospital burns down due to an electrical fire.

I'd say this game's biggest flaw is the lack of nudity.

Yeah.

SPOILER ALERT: For a game about a hospital, there's a disturbing lack of backless gowns.

Overall, I'd say that Hospital Hustle does a good job of presenting the all-too-common situation of a hooker working in a hospital because her vagina is broken. It's a universal concept that pretty much all of us can relate to. Definitely a solid B

Well... maybe a B+

SPOILER ALERT: Hellooooooo Nurse!

Game Face! Volume 2 Part 1

This week I played a little gem known as Abomination.

On its surface, it may seem like just another tactical squad-based game you've seen a million times before (X-Com, the Swat Series, Barbie Horse Adventure: Las Vegas) but what sets Abomination apart from the herd is its story.

SPOILER ALERT! The main character's moustache is fully customizable and can be upgraded with cool gadgets, like a rocket launcher and a bird call!

Set in the post apocalyptic days after "The Great Infection" Abomination has you take on the role of Detonate, cop by day, ex-marine/lover/cyber enforcer by night.

SPOILER ALERT! Detonate is only a nickname, the character's full name is Marian Detonatii.

As Detonate, it is your job to rid what's left of the festering country of the infected bastards that spew blood and generally make a shitty mess out of everything around them. You do this with a variety of weapons and tools, designed by your Vietnamese side-kick "Dr. Huang".

SPOILER ALERT! Some of these "objective" things are a real bitch!

Also assisting "Det" are a squad of rag-tag vagabonds that the player chooses. Each one having their own strengths (Vladimir can hurl a tire-iron nearly 30 yards) and weaknesses (Beep-Beep the robot is killed by rain). My personal favorite, though, is how the characters you pick will interact dynamically with each other!

SPOILER ALERT! one of my favorite exchanges was between Blue 92 (the gruff, ex-cop/pimp who's one day away from retirement, and our hero Detonate-

Blue: Nice Shooting, Det, try to save some for the rest of us...

Detonate: FUCK YOU! I WILL FUCKING RAPE YOUR PARENTS TO DEATH! YOU SMARMY PIECE OF BEAR SHIT!

Of course, it's not all sunshine and blowjobs, this game has its problems as well. Take for instance the completely unintuitive map system. i mean, LOOK at this bullshit:

This is supposed to be the outskirts of Montreal, but I don't see a single fountain OR golf course. It totally wrecks my sense of immersion. Why is Montreal red!? Everybody knows it's a lovely shade of light peach.

SPOILER ALERT! Montreal is a great place, especially if you love moustaches!

Overall, I'd say that I enjoyed this game. The characters were all memorable (SPOILER ALERT! Bob dies.) and the soundtrack is great. Simon and Garfunkel really set the mood for this post-apocalyptic thriller! Definitely a B+!

SPOILER ALERT: The "infection" is a pretty thinly veiled reference to Communism. This game is basically just killing communists.

Game Face! Volume 1 part 2

This week is the first installment of "Game Face!" our game review article that will give Jack Thomson a run for his money. Remember when you see a Spoiler Alert! highlight the text next to it to see the spoiler.

My review is of a quaint little title known as Singles 2.

Now, I might be outing myself as a poser here, but I have never played the first Singles game. But if I had to make a guess, I'd say the goal is threefold:

SPOILER ALERT! 1) Do a little dance 2) make a little love 3) Get down tonight

Well, in the second installment of the Singles franchise, you play as either Bret (the male avatar) or Brettina (the female avatar). For obvious reasons, I chose Brettina. Above you can see her arguing with her roommate, Polkatits, about inviting her ex-lover Joshua to live with them.

SPOILER ALERT! The plot doesn't change depending on which gender you choose, the ex-lover's name is always Joshua.


You guide your character through basic social situations (like high-fiving people) and, like it's progenitor The Sims, take care of their bodily needs.

SPOILER ALERT! If you don not have your character masturbate at least 3 times per game day, they will catch The Depression.In due course, the game kicks you in the nuts with some Love Triangle plot-line between you, Polkatits and Joshua the Orange. Thankfully, you can ignore all of this and murder one or both of them... shit, I guess I should have spoiler'd that.

SPOILER ALERT! If you are able to coax the Golden Scepter from Joshua and combine it with Polkatits' vagina, you unlock a secret character, Super Saiyan Bret


Overall, I'd say this game has a lot going for it. The crafting system is well done (the +3 handcuffs I was able to make were finally able to bind that Incubus) and the lovemaking minigame is fast-paced and fun. Sure, you have to spring for the dance pad, but it's worth it!

B+

SPOILER ALERT! I won a car!