My wrist hurts...

This is what I did today:

Game Face!

I tell ya, this week is a real keeper:

And before you snicker, NO it's not about a hooker with a heart of gold who is forced to go to medical school after a crippling vaginal injury. This is simply an innocent game of health care management which HAPPENS to star a hooker.

SPOILER ALERT: She also happens to suffer from a crippling vaginal injury.

You guide your sweet little nurse character from hospital to hospital, plying your trade of medicine. You have a range of magic spells from Cure Light Wounds to Delouse which you need to use in the right combination, or your patient will turn into an exploding skeleton.

SPOILER ALERT: Each copy of the game has a specific character that, when killed, will become the Exploding Lich. This unlocks super nightmare mode where all the patients are razorblades, and all your spells are replaced with ear-piercing screams.

Not only do you act as the hospital's primary caster, but the nurse/hooker is also expected to buy pretty much every goddamn thing a hospital could ever need. Here I am buying water coolers which, as any doctors out there well know, are used to cure Scurvy.

SPOILER ALERT: When you place a Water Cooler directly next to a Dialysis Machine, you get a special ending where the hospital burns down due to an electrical fire.

I'd say this game's biggest flaw is the lack of nudity.

Yeah.

SPOILER ALERT: For a game about a hospital, there's a disturbing lack of backless gowns.

Overall, I'd say that Hospital Hustle does a good job of presenting the all-too-common situation of a hooker working in a hospital because her vagina is broken. It's a universal concept that pretty much all of us can relate to. Definitely a solid B

Well... maybe a B+

SPOILER ALERT: Hellooooooo Nurse!

Game Face! Volume 1 part 2

This week is the first installment of "Game Face!" our game review article that will give Jack Thomson a run for his money. Remember when you see a Spoiler Alert! highlight the text next to it to see the spoiler.

My review is of a quaint little title known as Singles 2.

Now, I might be outing myself as a poser here, but I have never played the first Singles game. But if I had to make a guess, I'd say the goal is threefold:

SPOILER ALERT! 1) Do a little dance 2) make a little love 3) Get down tonight

Well, in the second installment of the Singles franchise, you play as either Bret (the male avatar) or Brettina (the female avatar). For obvious reasons, I chose Brettina. Above you can see her arguing with her roommate, Polkatits, about inviting her ex-lover Joshua to live with them.

SPOILER ALERT! The plot doesn't change depending on which gender you choose, the ex-lover's name is always Joshua.


You guide your character through basic social situations (like high-fiving people) and, like it's progenitor The Sims, take care of their bodily needs.

SPOILER ALERT! If you don not have your character masturbate at least 3 times per game day, they will catch The Depression.In due course, the game kicks you in the nuts with some Love Triangle plot-line between you, Polkatits and Joshua the Orange. Thankfully, you can ignore all of this and murder one or both of them... shit, I guess I should have spoiler'd that.

SPOILER ALERT! If you are able to coax the Golden Scepter from Joshua and combine it with Polkatits' vagina, you unlock a secret character, Super Saiyan Bret


Overall, I'd say this game has a lot going for it. The crafting system is well done (the +3 handcuffs I was able to make were finally able to bind that Incubus) and the lovemaking minigame is fast-paced and fun. Sure, you have to spring for the dance pad, but it's worth it!

B+

SPOILER ALERT! I won a car!

Google Gearch... Guesday?

So, here we are again, Christmas hangover just ending... New Year's revelry about to begin. What better time than to ruin something we love by typing it into Google? I'll tell you... none. None better a time than now, dear reader.

Kicking things off this "Satarday" is my entry DnD:

Ah yes... I remember this move. Martin Lawrence gets transported back in time and has to nail broads to save history. A true classic.

I think you've got that mixed up with Black Knight...which you still need to return my VHS copy of. I remember THIS movie though, I was a freshman in high school, a doe eye'd roleplayer, I had just started playing after the release of 3rd edition. My family was also stealing pay per view at the time so I was able to view this classic for free.

Wait... I think I did see this move...

...oh God...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yeah that was the reaction I was expecting...because Black Knight would never demand that heart wrenching of a reply. I don't remember this movie that well, there are three things aside from the Marlon's brother. The semi-hot elf, the retarded looking dwarf and the main bad guy who I swore was Doc Brown from back to the future.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No, really I thought It was Doc Brown...

NOOOOOOOOOOO- wait. Is that the Mummy up there? On the right?

No, thank god, because the mummy is also going to be Zartan in the new Gi Joe movie....that movie already has more kicks to the nuts than the practice guy in womens self defence classes. Little known fact that guy you mention was in the sci fi original sequel

Ok, now I DEFINITELY remember seeing that one. As I recall, it was a whole hell of a lot better. That Barbarian Chick? Hell yeah. She can rage my berserker any day of the week.

That made no sense, but yeah she could power attack my rod whenever she wanted.

I think what we're all saying here is that she can Handle any Animal she pleases.

As long as it's my cock

But, since it's a movie about DnD, she was probably being played by an overweight 40 year old man.

What DnD group have you been playing with? We don't know any overweight 40 year olds that exclusively play female characters. Have you been "roleplaying" in chat rooms again?

That's between me and my 12th level halfling Tantric Raider.

Let me know next time you play I'll roll up a character.

Next up, Kurt's long-time love: GI Joe!

Honestly, I don't know what to say...this image is just weird and disturbing. I thought fans of the 3 3/4 th Joes were bad enough...but look at this shit...I'm glad I don't play with dolls. I'd probably mutilate small animals too.

"Caught this one in the Green Zone, looked like he was burying land mines."

I wish it hadn't been caught so maybe these DOLLS and their man owner would step on them. You know I'd like to think that when this guy showed his friends this image they stopped talking to him, when in reality I know they high fived him and asked him where he got the guy on the left.

Take heart, man, he probably doesn't have any friends.

His dolls are probably his only friends. See I play with action figures, not dolls, notice the word action, because they kick ass.

See, now that's where I disagree with you. I don't think his Dolls even like him. He did pose them over a DEAD SQUIRREL after all...

But at least they got to be outside...most of his pictures are taken in a dark damp basement...and most of the time him and his dolls are naked.

True, as bad as that squirrel might be, it's nothing compared with the *ahem* Cobra they have to face nearly every day.

Alright, I'm not going any farther than that...I don't even want to imagine where it'll go next. Any last words before I punt you from the living for that comment?

Only that I hope that, like me, this guy gets what he deserves one day.

Oh he will, those squirels will have their vengence and I hope on that day someone happens to be there with a video camera.

Finally, just to clense our collective pallates, the hot elf chick from the Dungeons and Dragons movie:

Delightful.

Below the Belt

See and Raise