Game Face! volume 1 part 1

This week is the first installment of "Game Face!" our informative kick ass game reviews that will give shit heads on G4 a run for their money. Remember when you see a Spoiler Alert! highlight the text next to it to see the spoiler.

This week I'll be reviewing the hit game Golden Axe: beast rider! Now Golden Axe was a arcade staple for me growing up, I remember going to the Smoky's pizza joint by my moms work, buying a root beer and feeding the golden axe machine quarters until I ran out, five minutes later. That game was hard and there's no question that they followed suit with this one.











SPOILER ALERT! This game is fucking hard.

Now you're probably saying, it's only hard mister because you suck. To that I would say Fucketh thee. I love beat'em ups, I do not suck at them. What makes this hard is that you can only play as a female character. Gone are the Conan and Gimili knock offs. No more spinning around and cracking guys on the head or rolling and butting guys in the groin with the top of your axe.














Spoiler Alert! Not really a spoiler because everyone knows women can't fight.


Now about the game play; it's a big improvement.











Spoiler Alert! The game play is better!

I know you're asking yourself and probably yelling at the monitor, "Why is it called beast rider?!" I'll tell you why, because you ride beasts. Just like the one in the image above. On your father's death bed he informs you that you're the last of the great beast rider lineage and you must find and hatch you own beast to ride. He begins to educate you on the many beasts in the world that you can find and hatch. But no matter what you get stuck with the shitty armless dragon. You go on this long quest up a mountain where you have to fight goblins and dozens of men in thongs and when you reach the top you get your egg. The game takes a 180 degree turn and turns in to more of a "sim" game. You have to take care of the egg, by sitting on it to keep it warm and making sure it doesn't roll down a hill and break, or you get a F. Three hours in the game it finally hatches and you get this freakish baby dragon thing that you have to feed small rodents. You eventually take it in to the world and have it fight along with you, but watch out if a man in a thong cracks it on the skull it's, GAME OVER YOU ARE DEAD.











Spoiler Alert! If your idiot dragon gets it's his skull cracked open it's "GAME OVER MAN, WE'RE FUCKED!"

As far as any story that's it, you travel the land with your mighty leathered steed proving your worth as a woman in the land of thong wearing men and dwarves and gnomes that look like Gollum.
















Spoiler Alert! The gnomes look like fucking Gollum.

Over all, I give the game a B+ for being great beat'em up and baby raising fun! It get's knocked down for not letting me play as Conans (the bootleg version of Conan).