It's 3am...

I'm at my friend's fuckling drunk and talking about jake the alligator man, look that shit up. Some music is playing I dunno what it is but it's talking about some guy named satan and a bridge something about death. \We're going to drink a 18 pack and watdhc rapo man, good night sweet children, I'm going to eat some fuckikng cookiees.
P.S. the music was manowar.

Yeah I've been listening to a lot of old school hip hop...

and we all know this story all too well, haha, I know Shane and I do.

You know if it wasn't for my mom I wouldn't be in to 70's-80's hip hop as much as I am, so I thank her for that. I remember her singing the like of RUN DMC, Public Enemy, Whodini and this song at the tender age of 4.
If it wasn't for my dad I wouldn't fucking hate Aerosmith as much as I do, so I thank him for that.

Game face! Volume 4 part 2

Ok so this week for game face we're doing something a little different, well two things a little different first we're doing this one together and second it's not a video game.

Yeah, well, I figured since Kurt's been slacking off so much lately, he might as well get off his ass and help me with my Game Face! He suggested a recent experience we had with the magical world of LARPing

Last weekend when I was visiting him we went on a over night camping trip with a close friend to join him with his LARP or live action roleplaying group and being the nerds we are we tagged a long to check out Quest for the unlimited energy realm: a dark talon epic fable or QUER: DTEL.

SPOILER ALERT: this was a mistake...
























When our friend told us about it I had all of these images of people dressed up like members of black metal bands kicking each others nerdy asses. Sadly none were in sight.

See, when he was telling us about it MY mind went somewhere totally different...



















SPOILER ALERT!: No black metal heads or semi attractive chicks climbing all over us

Instead we were greeted by things so horrible, so mind numbingly awful...they didn't even let us take any pictures!

SPOILER ALERT!: we did anyway

Yeah they said that cameras weren't period. You know what else isn't period? Foam weapons and half of the "garb" these fucks were wearing, are orcs period? I think they just don't want their faces on the internet.

I don't blame them.

What I liked about it though was that everything could be blamed on "roleplaying" I'm usually a really nice guy but these people really grated me the wrong way. So I would be a total asshole and say it was my character. Hell I got shitfaced and they thought it was just me roleplaying a barbarian.

Even when you decked that guy and pissed on him, we just said you were "Raging". To be fair to you, though, he was dressed like this:




















SPOILER ALERT!: That's not me I was wearing sick furs and shit

You know what made that fuck come up to me, was the fact that I was dressed like a badass barbarian. I had all of those furs and shit. He asked me if I wanted to yiff, you know that's furry talk for fucking. He thought I was a god damn furry. Now that I think about it I wish I hadn't pissed on him, he probably liked it.

He was squealing... but then again, he might have just been role playing. I can never tell. All I know is, when nobody was looking, I kept illegally picking up the "Spells" I cast. I was surprised nobody asked me how a Ranger kept casting fireball. I was just going to tell them it was the forest spirit or some shit, recite some Tolkien and they would have been happy.





















Man, do you remember when I snuck on the field with my iPod and I had shit like Turisas, Enslaved and Ensiferum playing? I got really pumped and kicked everyone's ass? But to be fair I was also drunk and I couldn't hear them yelling at me because I was blasting the music in my eardrums.

Yeah, whereas they were more concerned with the rules, you seemed more intent on actually beating the shit out of all of them. I just hung back, because I know what kind of berserker strength you get when you ride the Night Train to the High Life. I stood well back and pegged people with NERF ball- I mean, "Fire balls". I think I nailed one dude in the eye too! I was pretty proud of that one

SPOILER ALERT!: Battle metal will get you pumped to kill people even if it's in fantasy world



















Remember when that one chick almost caught me with the camera? She said she'd let it slide if I showed her my "Mighty Blade" I have to admit, I've never been so terrified in my life... I ran. That's why I was up that tree, remember?

Yeah you thought she meant your cock, she actually just wanted to duel you. I ended up just getting in her face and screaming obscenities, I then told her I was raging and that my rage had put a "fear spell" on her. She tried to tell me I couldn't do that and I threatened to punch her out and then she ran away.


As long as I live, I will never forget the day my friend saved me from a troll.



SPOILER ALERT!: I showed her my sword later that night.

Yeah I saved your fake fantasy life only to have you show that troll your sword anyways. Where were you when those furries raided the camp and tried to get in to my tent and shit and that guy was wearing nothing but body paint?

I've been meaning to fess up for a couple of days now but they bribed me...They handed me a fiver and told me to go get some fire wood. If it makes you feel any better, I went back to their cars and put some burning wood in a slightly rolled down window.

Well, I would threaten your fake fantasy life and tell you that I would murder you the next time I see you on the field. But because of that I "berserker raged" and bested them all in combat. They tried to make me their furry group leader. I took the mantle and quickly disbanded the group, told them to fuck off and I never wanted to see their group get back together or I would rage all over them again.

See, that's why I took the bribe. I knew you werent going to lose your innocence to a rag-tag group of furries. In the end, you got to fight and I got five bucks (and a chance to commit some arson).


SPOILER ALERT!: If you kill the furry leader you become the furry leader (Then you kill yourself)


You remember that bullshit feast? The one were they tried to serve "period" food and it was all KFC chicken and shit. Then there was that one fuck who said he was the king and that we had to bow for him and shit. I just "roleplayed" a barbarian and told the guy to fuck the right off.



In keeping with my character, I chucked a fireball at his eye.


They told us our acts were treasonous and chased us around the woods. We kept ambushing people, I would scream in their face, alcohol vapors and spit shooting out of my mouth and you throwing nerf balls at their eyes and wieners.

Oh man, I scored a ton of nut-shots too. Those NERF balls seem light, but when you throw them as hard as you can, they can raise WELTS man!

You know what I liked the best about that part, was when we made those snares and snatched those asshole "elves" up and hit them with our foam weapons and ran off leaving them there. I dunno how they got down none of those fucks had real blades on them.

They're elves, aren't they? They have some mystic ancient knowledge... they probably made it down before the Neutria got to them.


SPOILER ALERT!: Elves are lying bastards and will "roleplay" all kinds of "magic" "majiks" "knowledge" and other bullshit to get out of getting their asses kicked


I remember it was about that time that the forest had caught fire from the cars I arsonated. It was then that we decided that it was time to take our leave.

Overall I actually had fun, I would even say I would return to play if they lift the ban for rule breaking, reckless actions and endangering players they gave us.

So what are we saying here? B+?

I would give the game a solid B+!

SPOILER ALERT!: Never LARP with us.

SPOILER SPOILER ALERT!: Only LARP with us if you want to have fun and aren't a total dick nerd.

SPOILER ALERT!: Like I said...



Gets you stoked for foam battle

Game face! Volume 4 part 1

So this week, the week where my ankle fucking hurts, I get assigned Dance Dance Revolution. Believe me this shit was torture, I had to have a couple in me to even try and play and I have a couple in me while writing this review.









SPOILER ALERT!: I hate this game

Where to start? The music blows ass, no good dance music you would think maybe they would throw in some old hip hop, like Whodini. My mom told me when she would go out dancing in the early 80's it was to shit like that. I mean even some Prince would have been nice.




















SPOILER ALERT! Only fucking nerds have this controller

The only way I could have effectively played this game with a sprained ankle was with that controller pictured above. Well, guess what, I don't have $80 to drop on some stupid controller. So I manned up and tried playing the game with my ankle and fucked. If you're not familiar with this gimmicky trend, you have a pad and you step on the arrows and try and match it up with whats on the screen. It's stupid shit, it's like Guitar Hero only dumber. I didn't even play this shit when I was 14 when this girl I had a crush on tried to get me to play.



















SPOILER ALERT! The character designs fucking suck

Overall, I hate this game. If they had some decent music, the ability to play with a sprained ankle and better characters I wouldn't have hated it so much. But really my main qualm is that people that have no working legs cannot play this game without the stupid controller. That's fucked up, seriously video games are supposed to be for everyone to play. Even my friend with a broken arm when we were like 7 could play Nintendo.

B+

So...

yeah I'm still behind, I woke up Wednesday morning and my ankle hurt like shit. It was ok about half day but it started killing me after work and I'm not going to get in to how hellish it was today. So I've mostly been laying around resting not really being motivated to do anything except kill terrorists over Rainbow 6 las vegas 2. It's like Gi Joe the video for me, because I block out the story and the characters and just pretend i'm Shockwave or who ever I've dressed up as. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling better and now out partying too late so I can try and do two game faces. Thanks for still checking you guys.

Before I run off to work, I leave you with this jem

Gah

Yeah we're behind, especially me....Friday night I was having computer issues and then Saturday I went out of town to visit Shane and co. until yesterday. I was too fucking tired last night to do anything and tonight I'm exhausted and grumpy. We'll get caught up soon, I promise that.

Also, Wizards of the coast eat a fucking dump. Seriously, you push all your online add ons for Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition back over half a year and now you release the beta for your stupid character generator and the last five times I've downloaded it and tried to install it I get errors. Fuck you, you cock tease slut.

Game Face!

I tell ya, this week is a real keeper:

And before you snicker, NO it's not about a hooker with a heart of gold who is forced to go to medical school after a crippling vaginal injury. This is simply an innocent game of health care management which HAPPENS to star a hooker.

SPOILER ALERT: She also happens to suffer from a crippling vaginal injury.

You guide your sweet little nurse character from hospital to hospital, plying your trade of medicine. You have a range of magic spells from Cure Light Wounds to Delouse which you need to use in the right combination, or your patient will turn into an exploding skeleton.

SPOILER ALERT: Each copy of the game has a specific character that, when killed, will become the Exploding Lich. This unlocks super nightmare mode where all the patients are razorblades, and all your spells are replaced with ear-piercing screams.

Not only do you act as the hospital's primary caster, but the nurse/hooker is also expected to buy pretty much every goddamn thing a hospital could ever need. Here I am buying water coolers which, as any doctors out there well know, are used to cure Scurvy.

SPOILER ALERT: When you place a Water Cooler directly next to a Dialysis Machine, you get a special ending where the hospital burns down due to an electrical fire.

I'd say this game's biggest flaw is the lack of nudity.

Yeah.

SPOILER ALERT: For a game about a hospital, there's a disturbing lack of backless gowns.

Overall, I'd say that Hospital Hustle does a good job of presenting the all-too-common situation of a hooker working in a hospital because her vagina is broken. It's a universal concept that pretty much all of us can relate to. Definitely a solid B

Well... maybe a B+

SPOILER ALERT: Hellooooooo Nurse!

Where the magic happens

This is where it all happens the crowded, cluttered computer desk, I wont be showing it in it's entirety it's embarrassing. I'm hoping to start making more room to actually start some real dio work and get some better lighting. I'm also hoping to try and get a weekly "comic" up, this weeks was hastily done and put together to get something up. I hope you guys liked it ok.
Also, yes behind the six's is the TRU Cutter, the same one I ranted about in a earlier post. I decided to waste the money on the pack, so now I have two deep six and a orange Torpedo that I'll be using in the near future. It would have cost me the same amount to make the Cutter custom I was planning on making, haha.

The adventures of Deep Six part 1

My favorite toy reviewer

I recently bought a couple transformers animated figures from KB (the best thing KB ever did, go out of business) for about five bucks a piece. These are by far my favorite transformer toys, I tried to take some pictures but all of my batteries are fucked again so I'll take and post them later. But I started looking around youtube and I found this guy.


As far as toy reviews go, he's my favorite reviewer. I could careless about the transformations he should edit through them, but I guess it's informative for actual Transformers fans.

The man, the legend, the asshole: Deep six

Codename: Deep six
File name: Willoughby, Malcom R.
Primary Military Specialty: Master Diver
Secondary Military Specialty: Underwater demolitions instructor
Birthplace: Baltimore, Maryland



Deep six is a loner and individualist by nature and he rarely partakes in social activities with his fellow Joe teammates, this includes but is not limited to conversations, playing boardgames, watching television or drinking beers. Whatever his task is he's fully focused on it, be it planting explosives, counting his bottle cap collection or throttling the neck of a cobra agent, his concentration is not easily broken.
He can be bit of a wild card too, while he's loyal to the GI Joe organization he's been known to punch out team members that have rubbed him the wrong way. Some think he's only loyal to the group because he's able to kill people legally and is able to drive around in a sub when ever he wants to. He's been known to creep out some of the new recruits by rarely speaking. When he does speak to the new recruits he's usually teaching them underwater demolitions, one thing he often tells green shirts is "I dislike explosives, they take the passion out of the job, I love seeing the eyes of a cobra soldier look back at me as I strangle him to death".
But it is all worth the price of having such a soldier on the team. If all the members of GI Joe were like Deep six there would be less drama since they would refuse to talk to each other. He's never failed a mission, he's saved the asses of countless members, whether he likes them or not, has dozens of kills under his belt and follows orders to the T.















"I like it underwater, I don't have to hear the idiotic chatter of fellow members. When I have to work with them I just wear a armored diving suit, I can't hear a damn word they say while I have my dome on. Sure I'm supposed to be a team player but my teammates just get in the
way of my job; killing." - Deep six

"I don't care what race you are, what religion you follow or your god damn political views, I'm going to fucking hate you. Don't take it personal it's not anything against you, you're just a person and I hate you by nature. So no I'm not a damn racist, some pusher of an opposite religion or opposing your political views, I hate every the same."
Deep six in response to Roadblock calling him a "hatin' honky" before punching Roadblock out.

Google gearch gaturday golume: 5 kidz #1

It's not technically Saturday anymore but we haven't gone to sleep and woke up yet so it is for us! This week the images we found happened to have kids, the rascally half people have wormed in to our hearts and made us smile, laugh and cry but not necessarily in that order. Though sometimes when you look at them you realize they'll be running your nursing home and in charge of your country...and it makes you cry yourself to sleep. I now know how my parents felt when they saw my friend and me throwing dog shit at the neighborhood bully, the country will be protected and they know we wont falter but we'll go about it all wrong and get shit everywhere. So up first in front of the firing squad is Shane "Horseman" Hosea: He picked his beloved "god"



















Hey, kids. Welcome to the internet! Here's your complimentary shirt

and you've summed up our entire generations lives

I think the one on the left has got it right. That is the exact expression you get when you've spent the prime of your life on 4chan. There you are, overweight, sweaty, masturbating to pictures of a kitten on fire...weeping.

Also wearing your fifth bag of Cheetos all over your face. I know exactly what they're trying to do here, use children to make me hate fags. What they failed to realize is that I know these kid's parents forced them to wear these and I'm actually in turn hating them...good job on using your kids to make people hate you. You didn't even have to send them to someone's house to act like little shits you just posted them all over the internet for them to find. So when your kids friends parents look up your husband's name on the internet to make sure he doesn't molest their kid, they find pictures of your Christmas card and that your husband is in fact a molester, double whammy.

Here's my question...does God actually hate Fags? As an ordained minister, I guess I have to answer that, don't I?

Yeah you're asking the wrong guy, the only time I've talked to God is when I'm running to the bathroom after a wicked night of cheap beer, praying that I don't shit myself.

That's why he doesn't talk to you (also why he makes you shit yourself sometimes). Hold on, I'm gonna ask God how he feels about fags. ...

While you do that I'm going to run to the bathroom and make sure I don't shit myself.

God says he doesn't give a shit. The only sex that bothers him is fur suits, and midget porn. He doesn't condemn them, he just says they "Aren't really his thing"

I would condemn fur suits if I was God...midget porn now there's nothing wrong with that, that's nature.

It's the circle of life, man.

Oh, I would also condemn this blasphemous image...

He says he already did. Bad news: we're going to hell for re-posting it...

I had to repost it this week it goes against everything the Ninja Turtles stand for















NOT USING GUNS

Oh man, look at Mikey! He's MUTATED AGAIN!! Although, in all seriousness. If there was one Ninja Turtle that would use guns, it'd be Raph.

Yeah but it would be for the pizza guy getting their late or someone creasing his favorite porn mag, he wouldn't use it in a real fight.

I want you to play a game with me
Last time I did I woke up in alley naked

Only because you lost...Ok, find 5 things in this picture that tells you that this family is poor as fuck.

Styrofoam on the couch, couch needs repairs, couldn't pay for the babies costume, uses daddies drug deal gun instead of ninja weapons and the KY gel on the stool next to the couch telling you it's a studio apartment and that the parents have sex in the same room their children sleep. I win no waking up in the alley naked this time.

You win this time, Trimbo. Bonus points would have been awarded for spotting the carpet on the wall, though.

Yeah but that was easy, I figured you would have said they can't afford shoes either. In turn I would counter they are ninja turtles and they never wear shoes even when they're disguised and that is why the family chose turtles that year for Halloween, they didn't need to have shoes.

Yeah, but that one in the middle has mismatched-socks ALSO a problem the real Turtles never have.

I have mismatched-socks

Yeah, but you're a stoned 20 something and it's passed 5am. Plus, you're not taking a picture of it. You also don't have a costume with the name of what you're supposed to be printed on the costume...

First of all, I'm not stoned anymore, second of all 5am is when I thrive, third you're right I'm not taking photos of myself to post on the internet right now, fourth my friend had a he-man costume like that when we were in school, I feel bad because I made fun of him hardcore for it having a picture of he-man on it. Also I have no reason why I'm attempting to defend against the other points they were valid.

Yeah, I admit to having a Michalangelo costume as a kid...Big ol' picture of Mikey right there on the PURE WHITE SHIRT...seriously... my costume was a white shirt with a picture on it... and a plastic mask.

That sucks, I would have pushed you down had I seen you wearing that. Mine was a soft foam shell, like the front was all padded and shit and the back was this harder foam, my mom painted my face up all green and my mask wasn't some shitty rubber one like these kids have, I know those cut in their skin, mine was good ol'fabric that felt like polyester. Though sadly I think it had a picture of Raphael on the right part of the chest, but to defend that it looked like the old comic book Raph so really it could have been ant turtle I fucking wanted it to be.

Hell, it probably WAS any turtle they all wore red in the comic.

Yeah but the only colored part of that comic was the cover do it didn't matter.

You take that back! EVERYTHING about that comic mattered!!

Whoa whoa whoa I know but, you know...I was just defending the fact that all of the turtles being red wasn't an issue...they weren't colored so you couldn't tell them apart anyways unless you was their weapons, which did not include a gun.

Moral of the story: Turtle ninja mutants don't use guns, no matter how old they are.

Amen


















The challenge mode of "what makes this family poor" the Bonus Round

I bet these kids got this gorilla turtle man cake for their birthday too, poor bastards. Wait a fucking minute.

huh?

Raphael is holding a fucking sword on that cake and it's by the fucking handle, his sai are sitting at Don's feet. When I looked at this shit the first time I knew there was a man hole on the floor it just makes no fucking sense. That man hole should not be on the floor if they're in the fucking sewer. Do your fucking research idiot.

Game Face: Volume 2 part 2

This week I'll be reaching to the anals or is it annuals, I'm pretty sure it's anals for this one, of time to pull out a classic. This week I'll be review Time Killers, a arcade smash hit that rivals the popularity of both Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter 2.












Here are the eight wacky and crazy characters of time killers. All are of a stereotypical archetype, the outsider who is a chainsaw wielding punk rocker with a Charles Mansonesque tattoo, the future warrior that doubles as the token black guy, the Blanka rip off, a stupid king Arther rip off, a viking who looks like Haggar the horrible, the token Japanese character who is a samurai, the token alien who is also a bug and the token female character that's from the distant future where women continue to fight for equal rights. I picked the least offensive character, the Charles Manson wanna be, Rancid.

SPOILER ALERT! There is a secret character that is unlocked when you beat the game with all 8 characters, they are a black, female character of Japanese alien decent who traveled to the future from the past and then returned to the present to fight womens rights.














The first character I fought was the artistically named Thugg. He's like Blanka minus the green skin and electricity. Since he was the first opponent he was a breeze. I button mashed the punch and block buttons and before I knew it I separated his head from his huge ass ancestral body.













SPOILER ALERT! Thugg actually keeps hams in his calves, watch out for his devastating ax kick he will crush your skill with his hams.

After Thugg the opponents stayed around the same difficulty level, it made me feel like I was being a line of 7 year old kids one after another, it kind of made me feel bad. My most humiliating moment of the game was my loss to Orion the toking black guy, no it's not because he's black I'm not a fucking racist, it was being he did it after I lopped off both his fucking arms.












SPOILER ALERT! The loss of any limbs aside from your head barely cause damage. The only penalty for losing your arms is losing the ability to point to you crouch and taunt the opponent.

The final boss was the hardest fucking boss in any video game I have ever fought, he can do a fifteen hit combo on you before you hit him once, if you don't know how many hits that it, that's a lot. Sometimes when I would jump at him he would launch a flaming skull at me and it would hit me seven times and before I hit the ground he would do it again! Let me tell you, that fucking pissed me off.













SPOILER ALERT! The boss's name is Death, it's revealed after defeating him that he's not the same death that's been plaguing mankind since his birth, but a man who was born without a face and ironically named Death.

After having my ass beat twelve times by this cheap bastard I finally laid in to his ass. I removed both of his arms before chainsawing his stupid mailbox head off. I was glad to finally get the fucking game over with.













SPOILER ALERT! The above image in that asshole Rancid's ending.

Over all with the overly easy opponents leading up to the hardest boss I have ever crossed chainsaws with, the game wasn't that bad. I loved removing limbs from people and then hearing the digital laughs of my character as he pointed to his own taint, I give this title a B+

Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

I just got home after a good night of getting blasted. I didn't get to do my game face so I shall do it tomorrow along with the google gearch. I had a pretty good night drinking partaking in other things. Since I slacked off tonight this weekend should and hopefully will be filled with updates, Deepsix profile, maybe a figure review or two and the two regular articles along with of course a music video or two like this one

I'm going to pass out

Game Face! Volume 2 Part 1

This week I played a little gem known as Abomination.

On its surface, it may seem like just another tactical squad-based game you've seen a million times before (X-Com, the Swat Series, Barbie Horse Adventure: Las Vegas) but what sets Abomination apart from the herd is its story.

SPOILER ALERT! The main character's moustache is fully customizable and can be upgraded with cool gadgets, like a rocket launcher and a bird call!

Set in the post apocalyptic days after "The Great Infection" Abomination has you take on the role of Detonate, cop by day, ex-marine/lover/cyber enforcer by night.

SPOILER ALERT! Detonate is only a nickname, the character's full name is Marian Detonatii.

As Detonate, it is your job to rid what's left of the festering country of the infected bastards that spew blood and generally make a shitty mess out of everything around them. You do this with a variety of weapons and tools, designed by your Vietnamese side-kick "Dr. Huang".

SPOILER ALERT! Some of these "objective" things are a real bitch!

Also assisting "Det" are a squad of rag-tag vagabonds that the player chooses. Each one having their own strengths (Vladimir can hurl a tire-iron nearly 30 yards) and weaknesses (Beep-Beep the robot is killed by rain). My personal favorite, though, is how the characters you pick will interact dynamically with each other!

SPOILER ALERT! one of my favorite exchanges was between Blue 92 (the gruff, ex-cop/pimp who's one day away from retirement, and our hero Detonate-

Blue: Nice Shooting, Det, try to save some for the rest of us...

Detonate: FUCK YOU! I WILL FUCKING RAPE YOUR PARENTS TO DEATH! YOU SMARMY PIECE OF BEAR SHIT!

Of course, it's not all sunshine and blowjobs, this game has its problems as well. Take for instance the completely unintuitive map system. i mean, LOOK at this bullshit:

This is supposed to be the outskirts of Montreal, but I don't see a single fountain OR golf course. It totally wrecks my sense of immersion. Why is Montreal red!? Everybody knows it's a lovely shade of light peach.

SPOILER ALERT! Montreal is a great place, especially if you love moustaches!

Overall, I'd say that I enjoyed this game. The characters were all memorable (SPOILER ALERT! Bob dies.) and the soundtrack is great. Simon and Garfunkel really set the mood for this post-apocalyptic thriller! Definitely a B+!

SPOILER ALERT: The "infection" is a pretty thinly veiled reference to Communism. This game is basically just killing communists.

Awesome fan made music video

For the DangerDoom song featuring Ghost Face Killah - The Mask

More Marc Chambers!

If Spooky gets to do this, so do I

Hey everybody, start liking this band. If you already liked them before, then that's pretty cool, I gotta say.

The Shit List 2

Guess what EA...

YOU'RE ON THERE TOO!

You know why, you bastards...

Google Gearch Gaturday Golume 4, Vigilante week

It's that time again, yes Saturday, where we all sleep in until past noon and then curse our selves for not being up before noon to make out binge drinking sound that much more extreme. This week we even have a theme, the guys who would kick our asses or kill us for all of the crime commit during the binge drinking: Vigilantes.

First up is my choice, Frank "The Castle" Punisher




















I'm pretty sure after this photo was taken this guy hung himself knowing that this was the pinnacle of his modeling career.

Ben Stiller IS the Punisher, this summer.

Actually this guy looks kind of looks like that Ryan Reynolds guy, you know, Van Wilder and the Deadpool.

I'm pretty sure this is the main character from Turkish Punisher. Or... maybe even Turkish Deadpool

That's a pretty good costume for a Turkish bootleg movie. But it's still not good enough to try and wear seriously. My question is who's idea is it to decide what is an awesome pose for a costume? I mean, if I was there in the studio while the photo was being taken I'd laugh so hard listening to that guy "Good, good, now look more angry, your family was just killed, gooood, awesome, now more gay"

My major question is, are those supposed to be muscles there? I mean, clearly they were going for something approximating human musculature on the chestal region... but those arms? It looks like he's a tough guy, carrying a carton of cigarettes rolled in each sleeve.

It kind of looks like cauliflower or tumors to me.

Oh no... what if they aren't part of the costume? Maybe we're sitting here, ragging on some dude with cancer...Cancer and a shitty beard. Seriously, is that make up or something? It looks like somebody threw glue and sand in his face.

From cancer to sandface, I love it. I feel no remorse if this guy has cancer he knew what he was doing when he donned this costume. I think it's just a model beard. Funny thing is, Frank Castle should not look like a fucking model. If the Punisher looked like this guy he would have been laughed off the block by even the gayest Marvel hero.

You know it's a bad day when Cyclops laughs at you.

Shane picked, "Oh my family is dead and I dress up like a bat now"
















You know, I have to admit it. The first thing I thought of when I saw this image was "Look at this guy, he's totally undressing me with is eyes!"

I first thought that it was a kick ass name, but then I came back to reality and realized I'd kick my own ass if that was my name. I have no idea how real this is but if it's real it's almost as ridiculous as some real ass soldier changing his name to Optimus "Don't make fun of me I'm a soldier now" Prime.

Wait, is that a true story?

Yeah

I'm... I'm pretty sure that because of that one guy...the terrorists have won.

The terrorist won before this war even started. But we can save our asses by hiring Batman Bin Suparman, the smarts of batman and brawl of superman and the charisma of a singapore man, how could we lose the war with that on our side?

The only obstacle is citizenship... how could we ever win over such a man to fight for America? I say we head over there with a burlap sack, and some fan mail as bait.

I don't think a burlap sack could contain this man. He would out smart us with his wily forked tongue and then laser sight us in the balls.

Shit...

The thought of a man being able to trick anyone in to wanting a one way trip to the sun freaks me out. I mean someone with that much smarts and charisma could make you want to eat shit out of your ass. Then imagine him having the power to strong arming you in to anything he couldn't trick you in to doing. That scares the hell out of me, I just hope he never leaves his homeland of Javaton.

Yeah, I hate to say it but I'm drawing a total blank here.

Write about eating shit, that's funny.

What scares me even more is the thought that maybe it's not just him that can do it. What if everyone from Javaland was able to do that stuff? The entire world would be constantly eating nothing but shit. Forever!

Game Face! Volume 1 part 2

This week is the first installment of "Game Face!" our game review article that will give Jack Thomson a run for his money. Remember when you see a Spoiler Alert! highlight the text next to it to see the spoiler.

My review is of a quaint little title known as Singles 2.

Now, I might be outing myself as a poser here, but I have never played the first Singles game. But if I had to make a guess, I'd say the goal is threefold:

SPOILER ALERT! 1) Do a little dance 2) make a little love 3) Get down tonight

Well, in the second installment of the Singles franchise, you play as either Bret (the male avatar) or Brettina (the female avatar). For obvious reasons, I chose Brettina. Above you can see her arguing with her roommate, Polkatits, about inviting her ex-lover Joshua to live with them.

SPOILER ALERT! The plot doesn't change depending on which gender you choose, the ex-lover's name is always Joshua.


You guide your character through basic social situations (like high-fiving people) and, like it's progenitor The Sims, take care of their bodily needs.

SPOILER ALERT! If you don not have your character masturbate at least 3 times per game day, they will catch The Depression.In due course, the game kicks you in the nuts with some Love Triangle plot-line between you, Polkatits and Joshua the Orange. Thankfully, you can ignore all of this and murder one or both of them... shit, I guess I should have spoiler'd that.

SPOILER ALERT! If you are able to coax the Golden Scepter from Joshua and combine it with Polkatits' vagina, you unlock a secret character, Super Saiyan Bret


Overall, I'd say this game has a lot going for it. The crafting system is well done (the +3 handcuffs I was able to make were finally able to bind that Incubus) and the lovemaking minigame is fast-paced and fun. Sure, you have to spring for the dance pad, but it's worth it!

B+

SPOILER ALERT! I won a car!